Happy New Year Revised!

I decided I would just do a female version of a cartoon that would resemble my life at the moment. Maybe in the new year there will be a face to go with that toy! I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!

Happy New Year!

If there was a female version of that cartoon, it would totally apply to me.

Post-partum Christmas

I think we should have some fun and tell each other what our worst and best Christmas presents were. My Christmas was a bit bass akward this year. The best present I got was from my ex husband. Yea, blew my mind too. Not sure what he was thinking, but damn who cares. He got me a new Palm E2. It’s not top of the line, but I love it.

Now, the worst present came from my mother. If you knew her, you would be shocked. She is the uppity one in the family who is way too serious about too many things. So, to get a book was not surprising, but the book I got was hilarious. I almost thought she had discovered my blog, then I remembered she can barely e-mail. In her defense, she did get me a leather jacket too, but where’s the fun in talking about that!
Well, I'm swamped at work, so this is it! Happy New Year!

Damn Dog!!

This is a bitching post today! Photo 1 is a picture of the culprit and photo 2 is a picture of the evidence. The incident happened yesterday afternoon while I was out. The defendant (Sabrina) opened a Christmas package that was not hers. She even had to do some climbing for it, tear off the paper and open a box to get to it. Photo 2 is a picture of the remains of a box of gourmet truffles and the wrappers off of 2 Godiva chocolate bars. These things were going to be part of a gift for my mother. I purchased said items in a store 2 hours from me. This kind of chocolate cannot be found in my rinky-dink town. Needless to say I was pissed. I hope the little bitch has a stomach ache for a while! Anyway, thank you all for listening to my useless complaining and may you have a Merry Christmas! I will be back after the weekend.

Like a kid in a candy store!

I met Nick this weekend! I thought an opener like that would be amusing since I posted a picture of a vibrator. Nick, Dirty Martini, Hott Bitch and I sat around at Old Chicago for a while and had a few drinks. It was pretty damn entertaining I might add. Nick is quite the crack up. I was hoping he would stay longer and party with us, but he had just gotten off work and it was late. Nick if you read this, let’s party longer next time!! I didn’t get to see Amazing Anon, but hopefully next time I make the trip she will be available.

I’m sure you are wondering what that picture is for. Well, it was a fairly eventful weekend. I decided I am not going to do the single whore thing …yet, so my friend and I went to the toy store and did a little shopping. The man behind the counter was quite knowledgeable (on a scary level) about the items he had for sale. After spending a while making jokes and checking everything out, I settled on the “Ultra Rabbit Vibrator”. I think every woman should own one!
The following is the description:
Yes, we're talking about a vibrator! With its non-specific shape and silver control handle, the Ultra is different from other dual-actions from the start. Made of clear purple jelly that warms easily to your body temperature, the shaft not only has rotating beads for intense internal sensation, but a wide rotation arc that moves clockwise and counter-clockwise -- not to mention a larger, bulbous head for deep G-Spot stimulation. The clitoral stimulator is quite powerful, even on the lowest setting, so this is probably not the vibe for beginners or the more sensitive women out there! Operation is easier than it looks: the buttons on top are for turning the unit on and off and changing the direction of the shaft rotation, while the dials on the bottom control the speed of shaft rotation and vibration on the clitoral stimulator. All this in an ergonomic handle to ensure comfort.
Oh, we also went to the Cinema! That was a scary experience I wouldn’t recommend. This was not your average run of the mill theatre. It is pitch black, dirty, uncomfortable and the only other women that actually go are hookers. The porn wasn’t even good. The screen was out of focus and they were playing classical music to the cheesy 80’s screwing. I sure hope we didn’t throw off the rhythm the pervs were getting into with our giggling. We even got to listen to 2 gay men who met up in the back, that was hilarious! It was pretty crazy, but still exciting trying something new!
Afterward, we drank 6 bottles of Champagne with a couple other friends and went out in the city drunk and crazy. I made it home safe and sound and plan on going back real soon!

Divorce Court

This is a monumental day in my life! I went to court first thing this morning and a judge made me officially single. Watch out world!! It has been such an emotional roller coaster for me, I was surprised. I have been so excited and up-beat for days now and all of a sudden after leaving that court room, I started feeling sad……then I was happy again…..then I was sad……then excited. Shit, I just wasn’t able to control it. NOW, it is almost time to get off work and I am happy again. I am heading to Wichita the second I roll out of here and I plan to party like a rock star with some good friends. I am hoping to meet Nick and Anon from this blog world, but not sure if it is going to happen yet. I will look forward to telling everyone how it goes. Have a wonderful weekend ya’ll!!

Curious George comes out!

“BI-CURIOUS GEORGE”
A documentation about a gender confused and curious monkey whose adventures lead him to get involved with a group of apes who help him to discover his true identity. Staring Curious George as himself. Introducing Brittney Spears in her first real acting role as George’s female love interest that he kicks to the curb for his male love interest played by Vin Diesel. Arnold Schwarzeneger stars as the Man in the Yellow Hat. This is an action packed movie with many scenes not suitable for a younger crowd. Unrated:
Violence, Nudity and Sexual Content.

Death of Frosty

Isn't Christmas depressing enough?!

Where's the love?

Here we see the Weedettes showing their love for each other. All I wanted was a cute picture for our f---ing Christmas cards!

An Abomination!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a thank goodness he comes when we are sleeping!

The Real World

WTF is going on? I am so devastated and probably the last one to know. I was talking to my gay hairdresser about movies and men and such when I mentioned how much I like "The Rock". He told me that he liked him too and he loved how he got his start in gay porn. What??? I couldn't believe it! My hairdresser actually owns the tape and promised to loan it to me because I am one of those see it to believe it people. Why have all the good ones gone bad? I know he probably did it just for the money, but damn! At least he didn't switch sides like Vin Diesel. I think I need to re-evaluate the kind of men I obsess over!

Ouch!

This post goes out to a special guy named Nick!

A close friend of mine just spent $65.00 to have some chic smear wax on her privates and yank it off. Yes, sounds painful to me too. She said it didn't hurt too much and now her crotch is as smooth as a baby's ass. It should last about 3 weeks or so before she goes through it again. This treatment is called a Brazilian wax and they wax it all, yes, use your imagination. Where the hell in Kansas can I get a service like this? As a self-proclaimed guidance counseler, I have decided that this would be a great career path for Nick to follow. He could simply sit in a chair all day and look at smooth pussy. Way to go Nick!!

Zen Sarcasm: Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Calgon take me away!

I think I will tell you about my ass-backward town every chance I get! Here’s a doozie….
Some dumbass robbed a house by kicking the front door in. Then, he proceeded to steal a half gallon of Ten High whiskey and some jewelry. Yep, that’s it! The entire loot was worth about $800 bucks. Not only was the whiskey cheap, that must have been some crappy bling-bling. I bet he was hauling ass on his big wheel. What should the punishment be for a redneck crime like that? House arrest with Martha Stewart? (that was for my homie DirtyB)


Zen Sarcasm for fellow bloggers:
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."