Weekend Warrior

Well, the pictures didn’t turn out from this weekend. I guess that’s what you get when you put a bunch of drunks together and then give one of them a camera. My favorite picture would have to be the one of the table at the end of the night on Friday. If you can’t read it, it says “I heart Jiggs”. The "Kool" pack of cigarettes are not mine, I don’t smoke and even if I did I sure wouldn’t smoke those, but it was a nice addition to the picture. The side profile pictures of me are hideous, I take horrible pictures! I know that at least one picture of the night turned out good, but it is on my friend’s camera phone and he has not figured out yet how to get it off, so maybe that can be added to a future post.
Our weekend started out with a bang. We went to Sal’s Japanese restaurant. There were 5 of us that started out the night. They had a drink called the Volcano that was about the size of a fish bowl and came out with the middle on fire. They gave me 2 straws…please, I don’t share! The food was great and at the end of the dinner they took a picture of Dirty Martini with a big knife by his neck. Nice! After we left Sal’s we headed to a bar called the Chalet(I think). Dirty Martini thought they might have Karaoke and I was in the mood to make fun of people. When we arrived, there were 3 guys sitting in a booth that Dirty Martini knew…..score! Poor me, the only girl with 4 men, it was torture. We pretty much just drank heavily and laughed our asses off until they were ready to close. The best thing for me was when one of the guys said he was extremely attracted to me. What the hell am I supposed to say to that. I usually get great lines like “I think we should fuck” or “what’s your sign”. I can always come up with a smart ass comeback for those kinds of comments, but what the hell do you say when someone is genuinely nice?
Saturday was fun! We went to the Crown uptown dinner theatre to watch “Grease”. Since it was a professional dinner theatre, we expected it to be top notch. Boy, were we wrong. It was like watching a high school play. The singers were really good, but the rest of it was pretty brutal. The 20 set changes took as long as most of the songs. We decided we better drink more so it would at least be funny! It worked…we were laughing at every screw-up by the end of the show. I guess that made it worth the $35.00. We headed to club “Lettuce” after the show. It was originally designed to be a swingers club, so it was very sexy and sensual inside with shaggin chaises and big huge curtains and such. I loved it, only problem…no swingers. I did get to meet Ginonymous. She was totally cool and so pretty and funny! After about 45 minutes, our group of 7 headed to a dance club. That was a good time and I got to shake my groove thing. Dirty Martini even got out there and I have to tell you…he is very multi-talented, but dancing is not his strongest forte. By early morning we ended up at a nasty Mexican food bar and we had added to our group by about 4 more people. I ordered some burrito looking thing with green sauce on it and asked if it was hot. The lady told me it wasn’t hot at all……bullshit! I was drunk and I still felt my tongue on fire.
I know many of you probably had much more eventful weekends with sex and pot smoking, but surely someone had less fun that I did!!

Coming soon!

The weekend was a great success! I am patiently waiting to find out from my friend if the few pictures that were taken came out. There are a couple things a little blurry in my mind, so I am hoping the pictures will make it clearer. I hope ya'll had a great weekend and that Monday doesn't give you too much grief.

Almost there!!

I only have about 10 minutes until I can get the hell outta Dodge. Really, I only live an hour from there. Anyway, I am really stoked about this weekend. A whole weekend without responsibilities! Yayyyyyyy! It is my friend’s birthday celebration weekend(any excuse will do) and we are going to get tanked and hopefully not end up at some strangers house, okay, at least not some strange persons house. Yes, my friend is a guy and yes, men and women can be friends without any weird sex shit going on. Although I do have to tell you he is quite obnoxious when he drinks. If you all get a chance, go by and wish him a Happy Birthday. Hopefully one of us will have stories to tell about the other one. Have a great weekend and I will talk at ya’ll later!

Happy Half Naked Thursday

How many licks does it take?

Innocence

For the first part of my post I want to apologize to Jiggs (nun left), for having such a dirty blog he can’t open it and work. Then, I want to note that Dick is innocent, just look at that face (nun right), does that look like the face of a killer?

For the second part, I just want to say that I finally have a party weekend heading my way! I know it’s only Tuesday but I am excited! I am heading to Wichita (closest action to me). We will be eating Japanese for super on Friday night, then drinking. On Saturday, I plan to take in an art museum and drink some more. Then Saturday night, we are going to see “Grease” at the dinner theatre, then drink some more. I plan to compete with all the singers, as I have every Grease song memorized. I am sure my friends and I will have a grand time and maybe something exciting will happen that’s good enough to blog about! I do want to add that Nick was supposed to join us, but has some nerdfest thing to attend in Topeka….I see how his friends rate. I will leave you with this:

Well this car is systematic, hydromatic, ultramatic
Why, it could be Greased Lightnin'!
We'll get some overhead lifters and some four barrel quads, oh yeah
Keep talkin', whoah keep talkin'!
Fuel injection cut off and chrome plated rods, oh yeah
I'll get her ready, I need to get her ready!
With a four-speed on the floor, they'll be waitin' at the door
You know that ain't shit when we'll be gettin' lots of tit
Greased Lightnin'

(Chorus:)
Go, Greased Lightnin'
You're burnin' up the quarter mile
Greased Lightnin', go Greased Lightnin'
Go Greased Lightnin' You're coasting through the heat lap trails
Greased Lightnin', go Greased Lightnin'
You are supreme
The chicks'll cream
For Greased Lightnin'Go go go go go go go go

We'll get some purple pitched tail lights and thirty inch fins, oh yeah
A palomina dashboard and duel-muffler twins, oh yeah
With new boosters, plates and shocks
I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain't braggin', she's a real pussy wagon
Greased Lightnin'


My mom would make me skip this song on my record because it had the word shit in it. Not to mention I had no idea what chics creaming meant. Boy have times changed!

Can I Market This?

I was thinking about getting these guys for my best friends birthday this weekend. I would want him to do the same for me. Is that selfish?

Missing Please Help!

Calzone’s Penis is wanted for a spit and run. It was last seen somewhere in the South, stalking hot chics with big asses in bikinis. Do not approach the penis, it is not armed but can be dangerous and may be carrying several viruses. The penis is causing panic and terror amount the southern states and we are asking for your help in capturing the suspect. The largest danger known is the fact that the penis gets in an out quick and is too small to be noticeable. It has a mind of its own and cannot be controlled. We are finding out now that women who have come into contact with the suspect are experiencing a strong burning sensation in or around their ass and a break-out that spreads quickly. These are the only indicators that the penis has made his attack. We are asking that you please close up your house and lock all pet doors. We are offering a $1.00 reward for information leading to the capture of the penis.

Braggin' Rights

I got a Valentine's Day card from the Wedding Party! It said "One of us would do ya".Yay for me! I didn't post it yesterday because I didn't want all you suckers that did not get one to go all postal and have a bad day. Yes, I know they may have sent out 200 of them, but damn it I bet someone didn't get one. Plus, I am dying to know which one of them would do me. They are all hot! Have a great hump day and if I can think of something to review, I will get it up later...I said "get it up", damn I am pathetically horny.

Happy VD

Today is the dreaded holiday of the single folk. I am quite happy to be single, so I intend to ignore the whole day. I work mostly with all men and they dread it too because they get to play the "what the fuck does my wife want" game. Their stress makes me happy! I will leave you with some wise words from Andy Rooney, hopefully they will help get me a date!

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usuallysomething more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in whom she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

NOW, for those of you that guessed on my poem yesterday. I woke up and my arm was numb and asleep, so I wrote about it.

My Artsy Side

I decided to try my hand at peotry(stop laughing!). Here's the trick, who am I talking about?

I open my eyes,
You lay there beside me,
So lifeless, please wake up.
I need you,
I can't live without you.
The alarm sounds,
You are close,
Turn it off!
I reach over you,
Still you sleep.

Life in general

So, I am back to normal and have decided not to let my ex bring me down again! Yipee! It was a very relaxing weekend and I think I only left the house 2 times. Nothing exciting happened, so I will be boring you to death if you continue reading. We did get my daughters room cleaned and that was a huge undertaking. It was like wading through toy hell. I was doing the mom thing where you let them be responsible for cleaning their room and if they want to live in filth and not be able to ever find anything, then that’s their problem. Well, it sure the hell didn’t work, so we are going with the “everything has a place and everything in its place method and me riding her ass every time it starts to look disorganized. The only other amusing thing happening in our household is my oldest getting a contact for the first time. Yes, one contact. Her right eye sees 20/20, but her left eye is at 20/40. I was totally late for work waiting for her to get the damn thing in, but it was fun to watch! I shut the bathroom door, but left a crack to watch as to not distract her. I felt so bad for her, but it was hard not to laugh. She would bring the contact up to her eye and then it would flip inside out over her finger. This happened for about 15 minutes until she finally looked at her finger and it wasn’t on it. She started looking around the sink thinking she lost it, so I went in to look in her eye and sure enough, there it was. All I can say is, I hope the braces and everything else I have invested in pay off in the long run. She better be able to support mama when I am old!!

Wazzzup?

I'm only sorta outta my funk, so I am going to go around and be a comment whore until I can think of something to say!

Hot before the press!

I have a story that hasn’t even hit the papers yet. It’s pretty crazy for the nothing that happens around here. This morning a man was getting ready to go to work and his gas peddle got stuck while he was backing out of his driveway. Well, the man lives in a cul-de-sac(circle drive), so the truck went wild and backed all the way through a fence and into the house behind him. It was so bad that both fire stations came out and they had to use the Jaws of Life. They also had to get a wrecker and use all their technical emergency equipment to stabilize the truck so it wouldn’t fall into the basement. The owner of the house was home, but not hurt. The passenger in the truck had his head stuck under a beam from the house. The top of the truck was shaved off, so he was caught between the truck and the beam. I couldn’t get out until lunch time to take a picture and I had to do it from pretty far away. The people outside were watching me like “what the hell are you looking at?”. Anyway, I guarantee this story will hit the front page of our local paper on Sunday, how sad is that?

I am getting a bit self conscious about my boob being here for the world to see, so I thought I better do a post to at least move it down a bit. Have a great weekend!

Weed's Wednesday Review

Since I am a product whore, I have decided to start a consumer review, thanks to Nowhere Girl. The review today is going to be a negative one. This crap sucks!! Here’s my story…
My idiot ex stayed the night last Saturday because it was his weekend with the kids and I was going out partying and watching strippers. Anyway, when he went to bed he left the backdoor open. When I got home half the house was hot and half was cold (he doesn’t pay the bill, what does he care, dumbass! Bitter?…yes). Needless to say, I was not happy, but I held my tongue until morning time. Anyway, come to find out 2 days later, a stray cat came into the house and found a good hiding spot and I didn’t discover him until Monday morning. I walked into my living room and could smell shit. I asked the dog if she shit on the carpet and she told me no. I look to my left and there sat a HUGE beat-up male cat. I was like “what the fuck are you doing here”? He actually came over to me and rubbed on my leg, YUK! I made him go outside and then had to start the clean up process. I cleaned up the shit and then proceeded to find places the cat pissed on the carpet. I used Urine Gone thinking that would do the trick. I came home at lunch time to a house that smelled like musky male cats pee and I was furious, I am totally anal about how my house smells. To top it off, while I was eating my lunch, my cat(only1!) walked over and pissed right on top of where I had cleaned, so much for killing the smell. I had to use another brand of pet stain remover and hire a carpet cleaner to get everything taken care of. Good thing I only have one carpeted room. I guess I will be getting new carpet with my tax return money, what a waste!